Year End Summary - Dec 31st

I generally thought of briefly summarizing how this year has been spent. Assuming that I continue blogging indefinitely, these things will come in handy the day I decide to write my autobiographies. I can't be sifting through my entire blog at that time :) I'll try to listen them in the order of significance and won't spend too much time categorizing them.

• Change of jobs, apartment - both in June
• Creative recovery and self awareness
• Trips to Hawaii (for wedding anniversary), Grand Canyon (Memorial Day), Las Vegas (Christmas), Bay Area (Thanksgiving), Portland and vicinity (Business), Anzo Borrego Desert (Dec 31st, i.e., today)
  
• Tamil Light Music Show (Jan 15th), Hindi Show (March 5th), Tamil Drama (Nov 6th), NETip show (Nov 7th)
• Mourned the death of two close relatives back in India
• Sold a bunch of Thiruvasagam CDs
• Watched some memorable movies like Napoleon Dynamite, King Kong, Chandramukhi, Anniyan, Veerapandiya Kattabomman, Harry Potter
• Took up Piano lessons again
  

You can assume the rest of the events to be insignificant enough not to write in this blog. That's not too much for a year.

Risk Taking

I find that this term has become an often used one, when it comes to advising entrepreneurs or people who want to achieve success. It can be more aptly replaced by "following your passions/heart". In simple words, if you follow your wild dreams, the society will label you as a risk taker. Talking at length about risk taking and its consequences can mean nothing to a person who hasn't identified what he wants to do. He may have identified what he should be doing, but that's not going to take him very far. Name any successful person and I can point out that they were just blind to the world while following their passions and making them a reality. This, in the society's eyes, is definitely "deviating from the norm" and hence "risk taking". The thing is, when you do things that you really like, you won't mind losing money or working long hours without having medical insurance. I acknowledge that this is indeed a hard thing to do in today's world that offers us millions of distractions. But that's what separates a successful person and the one who isn't - following the passions.

Alchemist

I read this book today. What a wonderful book! I just think that such things are coming in my way. The book can be found in the metaphysics section in a bookstore. In summary, the book talks about a boy, Santiago, who follows his dreams until he realizes them. The journey takes him through many hardships, interesting experiences and in the process he learns several lessons from many wise people. At the end of the book, there are several topics for discussion. I forgot most of the questions, but I think I should probably read this book again. It talks frequently about the "Personal Legend" and the pursuit of it. The book reinforces the fact that we are all here for a purpose - we may achieve our purpose without even realizing it. The book gives yet another perspective on how to lead a life. Primarily, it also reinforces the one fact that I have come to realize in recent times - follow your heart, listen to your heart. If you don't, your heart will continue to talk to you and make you miserable until you learn to listen to it. Your life is your heart. It may hold the clue to your existence. It may tell you why exactly you are here.
Though I am a science person, these things sound very believable to me. We all go through stress. Particularly these days, there is too much information out there, whose sole purpose is to cloud all of our judgements and prevent us from taking the right choices or the choices that our hearts want us to take. If we allow these things to consume us, they will and in the end, we will only regret the fact that we didn't do justice to our heart's desires and feelings. This, I am sure is a common scenario.

The book also stresses the importance of living the moment, or paying attention to the present. It mentions that the fear of suffering may be worse than the suffering itself, so it is very important not to imagine things that might frighten our heart. Only if the present is perfect will it give rise to a perfect future. So it is very essential to live the moment and enjoy everything that surrounds us. This enjoyment will come about naturally if we are conscious all the time. Conscious - this is one word which I have begun to use very liberally in recent times. What this means is to do things and perceive things as they literally mean. To think about our thoughts is our unique gift - to be conscious is to use this gift. If you are waiting for a bus for a long time, you could use that time to notice things around you - notice people, animals that may wander, smell the air, watch the sky, so on and so forth. This is living the moment as well, instead of allowing your mind to curse the bus that is late or to allow the mind to think about various possibilities that the future may hold for you. Don't ask me why, but I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason. If we try to resist that, we won't get very far and wherever we end up is sure to be a very unhappy place.

People always try to explain things around them to the extent that the explanations become self fulfilling prophecies. What they probably can't explain is the fact that we can't choose our parents or the family in which we are born in.

Schindler's List

What an amazing movie! It took me so long to watch this one. It was released in 1993 and I have watched it only after a dozen years. Too bad. I must have been preparing for JEE at that time, when Spielberg churned out this masterpiece. Pretty much the whole movie is in black and white and that sets the right mood. Secondly, you don't want to see blood and the gore Jews were subjected to, during world war, in color. It was a very touching movie as well, but of course, Spielberg knew how exactly balance everything. Making movies has to be his second nature. The other joke is that he also managed to direct and release Jurassic Park in the same year! Who else could have done this?

Schindler's list won him an academy award. He has won it for Saving Private Ryan also. He somehow seems to have a flair for all these war movies, portrayal of violence, etc. He was born in Ohio and is now a billionaire. He has pretty much lived for Hollywood. He started a few production companies and has produced more movies as well. Apparently six of the all time blockbusters were directed by Spielberg. His latest movie is now out - Munich. I haven't watched that. Will have to do so.

I am always tempted to read the biographies of such successful and famous people. Spielberg started shooting amateur movies when he was still a teenager, they say. What's up with all this? That just simply means that the environment around him was just right so that he could become one of the all time best directors in the whole world. His parents must have been very encouraging. His friends must have encouraged him as well. I'm sure so many factors came into play in forming and moulding him into becoming a fine director.

Do the other planets feel jealous of Earth 'cause it has all the life forms? May be! Who knows. Mars is almost at the edge of the region which can allow for life forms to evolve. For Earth, it was a case of so many unique things coming together - like a big big coincidence. The distance from Sun, presence of water, moderate temperature, the mass, the size, gravity, etc - everything played a role in making it the blue planet as seen from the space. May be the evolution of all the successful people needs conditions like this. Lot of things coming together positively towards a noble cause. What can the others do? Imagine the amount of positive feedback needed to raise a ohio-born kid to levels of success which no other director can imagine achieving. I am sure his personality also suited very well to this, but still. I get carried away by such people and such movies. All those who worked on that movie must have felt very special. Creativity is abundant. Some people know how exactly to find it within themselves that they don't even realize it!

Govinda Govinda!

After so many trips to Vegas, it occured to me that it has almost become a pilgrimage. I shouldn't be really saying this since I don't really go there to gamble or anything. Yet, I don't fully understand why I keep going there. I guess it is just a get away place. I am tempted to compare the Vegas trips to our annual Tirupathi trips back in India. Whatever happens in a year, there is at least a couple of days when our family lands in Tirupathi. Here is my attempt to compare Vegas and Tirupathi.

At the outset, one of them is referred to as the Sin City and other one is widely known as a Holy City - that seems like a really big difference - a night and day difference, but they seem to have some superficial similarities :) The sound of gamblers winning money in slot machines is very much like the sound of temple bells in Tirupathi. People get up early morning in both places to offer their money to their respective Lords :) Gambling goes on all night. There is early morning gambling as well, just like there is an early morning special darshan, with some pooja. The path to the Holy City is rather windy, very much unlike the straight roads that lead you to doomsdays of losing your money in the Sin City. Either the slot machine or the Hundi gulps your money :) I'm not being blasphemious here....so just read this for what it is worth.

Tirupathi may be even coined as Indian Vegas for the amount of money it collects. People just come and dump all their wealth into the Hundi hoping that good will happen in their lives at a later point. Except in Vegas, people dump all their money hoping that they'll collect more before they leave Vegas - stuff that seldom happens! But there is still a finite chance that you'll pick up money from Vegas. This can never happen in Tirupathi. If you have been to Vegas and didn't get to see the Bellagio fountain, it is like you missed the Darshan in Tirupathi. Both places shine with a lot of light and are always bubbling with activity. They both manage to attract quite a lot of crowd - both rich and poor wanting to improve their chances in live regardless of their status in society. The songs that they play for the fountain mostly remind me of that one constant annoying song that is always played in Tirupathi - Sreeranga....manasaswarami....Even the God himself would have got bored of this tune by now. People need to be more creative and give him better tunes every now and then. There is some construction or the other happening at both places, in the name of making the place better and indirectly more attractive to a lot more poeple so that they can come and dump their money.

But for the Lord's presence, there would be little interest in the monkey ridden seven mountains. There would be far less interest in visiting the desert if not for Vegas! You pay more money to get FREE laddus just like you pay more money to get free entertainment. Both are places that families from all over the country visit with newborn kids, except that they don't tonsure the kid's head in Vegas. "Mottai aagarthu" is just a feeling in Vegas as opposed to a reality in Tirupathi. "Govinda Govinda" refers to money lost in Vegas :)

The line for having laddus is definitely longer than the one for having food in Vegas. There are attractive shops wherever you walk. Remember to inform people that you're going there or else you have a chance of running into them at that very place! The whole experience includes talking to people that you went there, how many times you went there and how much money you've lost over the years. It is almost like you visit Tirupathi, put money there to have a very bright future and to earn very well and drop all the earnings in Vegas later. There seems to be a big economic tie up between the two places. May be the money dropped at either place reaches the other side through the earth's core, who knows. Ideally the money dropped would perform simple harmonic motion between the two places if there were a big tunnel through the earth's core without the molten rocks. I think I'm digressing here.

Vegas is a place where every Hindu and every Buddhist assembles during Christmas time :) Slot machines are regular stuff like Dharma Darshan...playing Black Jack and losing money is like buying something expensive and dropping it in the Hundi, without directly dropping money itself. Both places are at a high elevation - I don't know how high Tirupathi is, but Vegas is at about an elevation of 4000 feet. You stop at Barstow to take a break like you stop at that obscure little town to have that tiffin and coffee when you're riding on that Andhra bus. Both are a must. You can't imagine a journey to Vegas without a stop at Barstow and going past the Zzyzx road. God knows who named that road. Looks like they ran out of alphabets. "I won so much this time" sounds much similar to "I really had a special darshan this time" :) I am reminded of "jarugandi jarugandi" - you go all the way to Tirupathi to have a great darshan and all you get is a minute or so in front of the Lord.

Either way, it is belief that drives people to both places. Belief that you'll end up better after the trip. In the case of Vegas, people get to know immediately what they were destined for though. After several trips you do get to learn that life is a big averager, no matter how much time you've spent inside the dimly lighted Santum Sanctorum or the Casinos.

Blogging after a couple of days

I've been offline pretty much for the last 3-4 days. We had just been to my nth Vegas trip. It is almost laughable that I blow up a couple of hundred dollars in just going to Vegas even after all these years and so many trips there. The funny thing is that I am not fond of gambling. So, why the hell do I keep doing this? I will try to elaborate on another post.

My ex roommate and good friend, S***V, visited me with his wife A***A. I had a good time with them yesterday. He came over and stayed with me for the night. They both are really nice. His wife gave good company to mine when she was cooking. My friend has always been a good fan of my music skills. He always likes to watch me play and listen to my recordings. He knows that I am a big sweet fan. So he got me some german chocolate pie from Marie Callender's. How nice!

Today, we spent good part of the day with another friend in San Diego. We three were roommates at some point of time - in 1999-2001. I really had a great time with these people. Wonderful team we were, inside the apartment. There was no schedule as to who will cook everyday, who will wash stuff and all that. We were in perfect agreement. Each one of us were pretty responsible and sensitive to the others' needs and had a big resonance between us. That is very hard to come by. I really missed them when I had to move out. Now each one of us have got married. One of them is almost having a kid now. Things change.

My friend in San Diego is like an information superhighway. He really is a walking encyclopedia. He knows so much. He has such memory and observation and interest in the general happenings in the world. You could ask him any question and he almost always has an answer that's very pertinent. That is a difficult talent/skill/gift to have. I should encourage him to start his own FAQ site, something like the wikepedia. He will have a lot to offer. He should be writing a blog on his own. It will be very popular. I should suggest him to do that. But since he is having a baby soon, he may not be interested. Regardless, I should tell him. Such a nice guy. His wife is indeed lucky to have him as the husband.

So what else? I had some thoughts on comparing Vegas with Tirupathi. I will post it separately. I'll rest my fingers for now. There is Schindler's list DVD laying around in my house. Will have to watch it. I am trying to set the mood for it. But my wife seems to be in no big hurry to watch it :)

Deja Vu again

I can't believe this. The deja vu happened just now. I have to document it: I decided to look for a 'luck' based article in BBC. I got the search page results and immediately this feeling of having lived through that experience began. I clearly remember browsing through the results and noting an article titled "good night and good luck". I remember clicking on that link. I also remember the George Clooney face that came up in the article. I remember to look at my door, expecting somebody. I look back at the computer. Oh my God! How does anybody explain this thing? Can science do it? I have to find out more information on how this thing happens. My previous documentation on deja vu is here.

Generalization

Generalization - I think this is something most of us, if not all of us, do to explain things around us. We need this tool to logically explain the past and deduce the future from it. I am not saying it is the right or wrong thing to do, but we do it. If you view your life as a big set of isolated incidents, it is guaranteed that you won't get anywhere. You have to form patterns that apply to you in the context of the society you live in or likely to live in the future. It is the most efficient means of communicating and reasoning out. Think about it. In fact, try to remember a conversation in which you didn't generalize even at one point.

Somebody picks your pocket in a highly crowded bus. What's the natural thought process after that - "In all the heavily crowded buses that I travel, there is bound to be at least one pickpocket, so I better be careful everytime". You can't blame the person - after all he is taking measures to protect his money, which is entirely his responsibility. But does it mean that his theory is right? But does it even matter if his theory is right or wrong? All that matters to him is the way in which he has to lead that part of a life that is spent inside a crowded bus. So there.

People get educated and get more exposure. They travel to different places, countries. They interact with people from different cultures and find out that several possibilities exist in life. And hence conclude that there is no real need to generalize. Different kind of explanations come into being at that point - things that try to explain things around you. Now somebody picks your pocket in a highly crowded bus - you'll first try to blame yourself for not having taken care of this in the first place. But what's the difference? Are you going to give the benefit of the doubt to the crowd in the next bus you're going to catch? Highly unlikely! We'd still pretend as though somebody is hiding out there who is interested in our wallet and take measures to safeguard our money - no problem or nothing wrong there.

Sometimes I see people objecting or criticizing generalization. I'll say "they're all like that" and immediately I get a response - "How do you know - did you interact with everyone and find out to make a statement like this?" Kindly explain to me why I was wrong and more importantly, how you interpreted what I said within the given context. When I say "they're all like that" I am only trying to explain things that have happened to me in the past and a pattern that I should remember so that I can readily deal with a similar situation in the future. Won't I be wasting time if I treat every incident as an isolated one? You lose the wallet ten times in a bus, please move on with your life - after generalizing. Now, I am not going to interact with all the 6 billion people in the planet to make a very educated statement about people. In fact, nobody can. There is so much data in this world that it only makes sense to form familiar patterns and generalizations. But within the community, society or circle that I move, it may be perfectly ok to generalize. By all means, it'll be a very similar community or a society that I'll encounter in the future - what I mean is that I am going to be hanging around only reasonably educated people who don't understand life all that well, or they do only as much as I do. Within this given context, what's the difference if I generalize or if I don't?

In fact, I think generalizing is inherent to human nature. Educated people may tend not to generalize, but I still think they ARE trying to generalize things on may be a much bigger level. Level from which they can say "ALL people have problems", "desire is the root cause for ALL suffering", "you get what you pay for", "life is a big averager", "there is no free lunch", "you are entirely accountable for your actions", "you give crap, you get crap" kind of things. Notice the liberal use of the word "ALL" in these phrases. That word signifies heavy generalization. People constantly try to explain the things around them, with the hope that they may lead a more peaceful life later. But they may not all be going that extra mile to generalize on a much higher level so they can see things from a different/right perspective altogether. They generalize on a much smaller, miniscule level which leads to a lot of problems. In other words, the margin of error 'cause of generalization varies.

"The wind at this location is always blowing at 130mph" is a stupid generalization.
"The wind at this location is always blowing at high speeds in this time of the year" is a more educated generalization. But it is generalization regardless :)

PS: Here is one amazing article on generalization which precisely reflects what I was also trying to say, except that this person is much clearer and factual.

Commitment and Fear of Certainty

The title of this post is something isn't? Ha ha. In the last few months, lack of certainty has troubled me big time. Today, I suddenly had a realization that I've been afraid of certainty myself. I can't commit that easily. I fear that I'll break the promise and never promise anything. Promise is very sacred to me. I take it literally. People promise and don't really mean it most of the time. But when I promise, I do mean it literally. It doesn't happen so often that I need to worry about it. Anyways, so what made me reach this conclusion today. We have been looking at deals to go to Vegas - mostly hotel deals since we always drive to Vegas. So flights are not a problem. I saw some nice deals for hotels in the strip for only $80 a night for three days starting Friday. If I had been what I was long back, I would have booked it, at least with the guarantee that I could cancel it in 24 hours notice. Now that I am different, I didn't book it and didn't care too much. Now the prices have gone up significantly. A simple thing like this requires your commitment. I have no good answer to why I didn't book it earlier, but now I would just have to pay more for the same crappy room that I'll get.

This made me think a little, as does everything. If I am not willing to commit to something and make plans, why would my future look very clear to me? I've been complaining to myself that the future is a big question mark, I don't know where I will end up yada yada, but I have not been acting one bit to resolve that (at least so far). And that requires more or less a fundamental change. Long back, my experiences taught me that I shouldn't really plan things 'cause they never really worked. That may have been true, but it was my perspective that was very different and may have been wrong at that time. Now, I can say that it has become better, I don't know if it is the right perspective yet. We all grow. May be the right perspective will strike you only when you have a few moments to live. You see people suddenly forgoing all their ego and apologizing for their mistakes when they are in their deathbed. They probably realize at that time that life is too beautiful to be spent worrying and bickering around. Love is needed. Appreciation is needed. I'll put an end to this digression right now.

Coming back to the point, I should develop the ability to accept and commit to certain things. It is time that I realize that I am not really waiting for anything better to happen, so I might as well go with this plan. This coming weekend is the best example. What on earth would have happened if I had booked that hotel a few days back itself? Nothing much. There was nothing really lined up. It was either laziness or fear of commitment or just complete disregard for the idea of going to Vegas (of course it has been too many times already). Or it is probably because I have been preoccupied with something else. What is that something else - nobody knows. It is like, when you reach somewhere, 'there' is gone already! You need to keep moving constantly.

They say that good work keeps you fully occupied - it energizes you and it doesn't allow you to look at your watch. You don't feel time. That's the kind of state that I want to achieve. It'll be good if everyone achieves it, but the world makes it seem as though there are only a few good jobs and the rest is all crap. We will have to consciously make choices.

How's this analogy?

I came up with this analogy an hour back...I thought I might as well write it down. Consider a large room with a large ceiling. The ceiling is rigid, made of concrete. So is the floor. The ceiling is like a thin line that represents the super geniuses. They won't change and will always remain on the top unless of course a tornado strikes or some such acts of God happen. Let's not get into that. The floor is like a thin line that represents the really dumb people. They also won't change, nor will they allow themselves to change 'cause they are so dumb. The air space in the middle is made up of average people. Some air molecules stay on the top, close to the ceiling, some air molecules stay close to the floor. It is entirely possible that the molecules can be brought down or brought up and so it is entirely possible that there are different grades of average people. But the point is, the average people will continue to remain average. They never become the ceiling or the floor. The average man's life will inevitably get averaged out, like the motion of the air molecules between the ceiling and the floor. The celing and floor will cling to their respective places. I have a feeling that I belong in the middle :)

-------------------------CEILING = GENIUSES------------------------------

AIR MOLECULES = MEDIOCRE PEOPLE

--------------------------FLOOR = DUMBASSES------------------------------

Received the Receiver, but will have to return

Yesterday I received the most anticipated stuff - the onkyo receiver that I had ordered. It was a refurbished one to begin with...that's why it was cheap also. But I heard this high frequency hiss when I plugged in my headphone. It was simply absent from my other more expensive harman kardon receiver. Of course, you get what you pay for. So I decided to live with the hissing sound. Then all of a sudden the power hum started coming from the receiver. This noise was like a swarm of bees surrounding you. I couldn't take that. It was noisy enough to get your attention when you are playing some music. That was a big bummer. I had bought a pair of Polk R30 speakers from Fry's almost a month ago in anticipation of getting a decent receiver so that I can plug in my keyboard into these things. I am now disappointed. I have waited too long to replace the existing music system with a nice receiver and a set of nice speakers. Should I just go and get another mini audio system. May be that'll do the job. But I don't have much time to return the speakers either. When I called up customer service to return the receiver, they said I'll have to wait until they send me a return lable. Crap!

King Kong and Peter Jackson

I watched King Kong on Friday night and was totally blown away by the movie. Most of my reaction had to do with Peter Jackson's pursuit of his passions. You could clearly tell that unless one is so focussed and passionate about something, a movie like this couldn't have been made. Not to underestimate Spielberg's passion or focus when he directed so many blockbusters. But Peter Jackson has definitely amazed me with his directing prowess. He is a leader with a big vision! He also happens to be a great manager - working with so many people, graphic specialists, cinematographer, special effects people, actors, etc and coming up with a work of beauty. To make a movie is something - to remake a movie that has already been remade once is something else! Looks like only Peter Jackson can do such things. He is about 45 years old. May be one has to wait till that long to gain the respect and attention before they can bring forth their best works of art. I can't believe he spent 7 years making Lord of the Rings. Imagine the dedication, the amount of risk. Better yet, imagine his fire and passion! He has clearly followed his heart, without letting his mind cloud his judgements and interfering with his heart's decisions. Otherwise, why would he wait for more than 3 decades after he was fascinated by the original King Kong to remake it and present it to the new generation who didn't have a chance to watch the classic movie that rocked Hollywood in 1930s?

The movie has great reviews. The ape monster had very believable emotions/actions and movements. The hardwork showed in every frame. I would definitely be interested in watching the Production Dairies once that comes out. I think it has already come out, but Blockbuster didn't have it when I enquired this weekend. Nice. Looking at such movies, Indians have quite a lot of catching up to do. Can't believe their attachment to songs and dances and all the emotional sentiments. Grow up, guys!

Weekend is right around the corner!

Not much planned for this weekend. I'll have to take things as they come. But a few are in mind:

• Meet with some friends tomorrow for a music session at 1:30pm
• Pick up the vacuum cleaner
• May be plan a trip for Christmas
• Read (of course!)
• Gym
• May be the concert
• Fix watches
  

KK

Today is King Kong Day for me. I already purchased two tickets for tonight 9pm show at Edwards :) My wife and I are set to go. This movie has great reviews. I never understood what King Kong meant to people. I hope to find out tonight. Looks like it was originally a 1933 movie! People have been kicking ass for a long time now. It is time for Peter Jackson to kick ass. He has spent over $209 million or so for the movie and it went over budget by $32 million. The studios must have thought - this better be good or else kind of stuff. It sure is going to run in India big time. The Indian distributors must have paid a lot of money for it. I can't believe the translated versions are already available. So the movie must have been ready for quite some time or they must have started the dubbing process long back. Lot of good reviews for this one.

Apparently Peter Jackson dreamt about this when he was 9 years old - around the time he was totally captivated by this movie. He also set out doing this movie 10 years back when the studios dismissed this project 'cause it will have competed with Godzilla and the Jurassic park series. Well, now we have even better technology to represent the Gorilla and the Dinosaurs. I should watch this movie - the ape in action. I think I should also watch the original movie, but that will become a question of time.

So do you have to dream about making movies when you are 9 years old itself? I sure didn't dream about it. But it is not just the dream that matters - you actually have to do something about the dream. Peter Jackson did it; Manoj Night Shyamalan did it. They both took small home cameras and started shooting videos. That's it. They didn't worry much about how it will come out or anything. They just plunged into it not knowing what's in store for them. It sure did work out for both of them. People even say that Peter Jackson may replace the icon Spielberg. That's a heavily loaded statement. Speaking of which, I haven't watched all the movies Spielberg has made. I have missed Schindler's list and a few others. I remember my periyamma took me to watch Jaws when I was very young. All I remember of the movie was that it was a scary one and it is supposed to scare people! and it did!

Da Vinci Code

I haven't read this book, but I have heard a few people saying that it is a great book. I don't even know what it is about. But if I add reading this book to my never ending priorities, I'll only go crazy. I have seen two trailers of it and both seem very interesting. Ron Howard is the director. He seems to have a flair for adapting novels to movies. A very successful movie director, I should say. Looks like he studied at USC or something. He may still be giving guest lectures at UCLA or USC. Nice career, eh?

There is a hidden word in the above passage - what is it? Ha ha..not too difficult. It is rather silly!

What matters in life?

I haven't figured this out yet, but I can see that as I age, I do become aware of more and more things, as most of you would. The things that you cared about at 20, or the things that you believed in when you were 20 don't seem to matter that much when you approach 30. Your perspective has changed and it feels as though you knew nothing when you were 20. Does this mean that I still don't know anything or I would feel the same way when I am 40? That's a trick question. Then how am I supposed to lead my life now? What am I supposed to pursue? Should I follow the heart blindly or should I follow my mind? If I follow my mind, I run the risk of being shallow and pursuing something based on my current perception. On the other hand, if I follow my heart, there are great chances of ending up in a happy state. May be that's why they say one should follow his/her own heart. It is of course, easier said than done.

So, really, when do you get the enlightment? I feel like I know a lot more now. I feel that I have been very naive at pretty much every stage in my life until yesterday. So what the hell are you supposed to do? It is impossible to learn everything the world has to offer and lead your life based on the findings. There is probably a more fundamental truth, which applies to everything in this universe. Only if you follow that truth will you gain peace. It has to be true like that. Scott Adams has written a book called "God's debris". He offers an entirely new perspective on things and the way universe and God work. I think there is a lot of truth to what he has written. After all it is humans that think they are more intelligent than anything else. May be a rock sitting on a mountain is thinking the same thing - only over a period of million years when it would change its shape, location and mass. So on a bigger and longer scale, you could say that the rock is a living being. Only, we don't understand its language.

I truly believe that we are all created for a purpose. The rickshawman is created for a purpose; great presidents are created for a purpose; musicians are created for a purpose and so on. But what is it that I have been created to do? What's the purpose? Is it just to work, earn money, have kids and eventually fade off like I didn't exist? Or is it more than that? If so, I do want to know what it is. How can I find out what it is though? Should I read books or talk to people? Or should I follow my intuition? Or should I become very devotional and spiritual? Or should I just cut the crap and take it completely easy like a lot of people do? But the moment these thoughts occur to you, it is almost fair to say that you can't take it easy from then - you would keep pursuing it. Different people have such enlightments/epiphanies at different points in time. Of course, earlier the better.

When you have such epiphanies, they almost change you overnight. You begin to look at things in a completely new perspective. Everything in this universe has to fit the new equation you have formed for yourself. Everything has to be explained and seen through this lens. It still doesn't answer a lot of questions, but it is something to keep you occupied and lead your life. You know this is why ignorance is bliss. I have somehow had access to resources that have made me think like this. May a poor farmer or a peasant won't have to think like this. But I still believe that they all come to the same conclusions about life, at some point or the other. Except of course for anti social elements. They think their purpose is to screw up the peace and prosperity of other people. I don't quite fully understand them, but they also got to live. May be their purpose is to help normal people appreciate their own lives and appreciate the beauty of life. I could of course go on, but I choose not to at this point. May be I'll continue later.

Goldberg Variation No.1

I think I am getting much better at it, only after several years of attempt! I started out with this piece long back, mainly because I liked it musically and not for its technical content. It turned out to be pretty difficult to practice and get this piece to be played on the keyboard. It is almost as if Bach is teasing you with this composition. You won't believe how much work your left hand needs to do ON TOP of the already complex right hand part. So it has taken me quite a bit of time to get this thing. I gave my wife a big headache playing this over and over on Saturday. Not that I have completedly mastered it or perfected, but I was able to 'press' all the right notes at the right times with or without keeping the tempo. The first half of the song is somewhat easier for me to play. The second half is pretty difficult. It is very important to maintain the fingering for each note, otherwise you soon run out of fingers to play the rest of the notes. God only knows how he even composed such a thing - the piece itself is only about two minutes long at the most. Glenn Gould has created a couple of CDs just playing Bach's Goldberg variations. There are about 33 variations in all. May be 32, but you get the idea.

He has composed this entirely in the G scale. Of course he does the usual thing of jumping into other scales if he thought they might add to the aesthetics. On the whole, he must have had two brains if he had to compose this thing. He has a whole bunch of pieces like this - like the two part and the three part inventions, which he seemed to have composed exclusively to train his students. His students must have had one hell of a time with him! Ha. His family itself is very musical. He almost had an entire ensemble in his family. There were violinists, harpsichordists, organists and so forth all in the same family. Bach is Bach.

The 9th symphony started out to be a wonderful concert. I was just a tad disappointed towards the end, in the last movement, when I felt that the singers could have done a better job. 'Cause I have heard a better version of it at UCLA's Royce Hall once.

Things accomplished in the weekend

• Went to the gym
• Read a chapter from a book (that's how much I could do anyway)
• Went for dinner at a friends' place yesterday
• Attended the western classical concert (Beethoven's 9th symphony)
• Met with friends for discussing the formation of a music band
• did some office work
• Visited the acupuncturist
  
• Met another couple on Saturday night (after dinner...just to have some fun)
• Practised playing keyboard (I've managed to finally put together Goldberg variation no.1)
• Dropped off the vacuum cleaner for fixing the power cord

So that's almost 100% accomplishment. Not bad. I'll elaborate later.

This Weekend

It's already friday evening. Time for the next weekend and time for the weekend to get over two days later! This weekend's agenda:

• Meet with some guys for the formation of some band
• fix the vacuum cleaner power cord
• attend Beethoven's 9th symphony in downtown :)
• attend dinner at a friend's place on Sunday
• Read books (this almost always never gets done)
• Gym
• Mail checks to couple of people
• Check the finances
• Visit acupuncturist

As usual, let me see what all gets accomplished. I am really looking forward for the concert - it is bound to be awesome. The rest is all logistics of life.

I'm disturbed

I'm in a disturbed state of mind. Looks like there are a lot of obstacles in life. You may yourself be responsible for creating those obstacles, I don't want to get into that. But still, there are certain things which continue to be very uncomfortable. When you seek freshness in your life, when you want to start all over, with new people, new surroundings, when you want to experiment with your life in a new kind of setting, how'd you like to have the same old stuff happening around you? I mean, how can you break away from that and concentrate on the new stuff that's happening? How can you get the space that you need around yourself? How could you shield yourself from this old crap that seems to never leave you alone?

I guess I should not let myself get affected 'cause of this. I can apparently choose not to get affected. I have to believe that it is solely in my hands and move forward like that. I shouldn't speak too much. I should concentrate on what I have been concentrating on, completely ignoring the old stuff. I have volunteered to help in organizing an Indian show. There is a fair chance that I will participate in that show. There are a couple of other shows that are tentatively planned. I have to somehow move forward, putting all the bad experiences that happened in past shows. How do I accomplish this? I consider myself a very frank person. I can't truly hide my emotions and put up a different face. I used to hold all the emotions and feelings within myself. Somehow, several years back, I became kind of good at saying 'no'. I adopted this don't care attitude towards several things 'cause I needed to be strong and safeguard myself against all these devilish things that happen around you all the time. Now, I feel that this openness sometimes gets in the way of a good relationship. But I really have to convey what I feel - in other words, I have to COMMUNICATE effectively. The first step towards that is to express what I feel and what I want so that I don't have to feel sorry for myself later on, for missing any nice opportunity. "At least I could have asked, or spoken" - this is precisely the thought I want to avoid. That is another byproduct of being pro active. But then, why do you have to constantly put up with all the obstacles? Is it then a good thing to give up? I have promised myself to work hard towards my goals. So I think that this is what working hard is all about - dealing with all the crap and finally emerging out of it. In an ideal world, of course a creative person could produce tons and tons of work. It is living in this imperfect world that is a challenge, not living itself.

This past weekend

Let me start out by saying what all I could accomplish out of the things that I had planned for:

Install DVD writer in the computer, after vacuuming the computer	YES
Replace the power cord in the vacuum cleaner	NO
Visit the acupuncturist	NO
Go to the San Diego Photo Expo on Saturday	NO
Host guests for Saturday's dinner	YES
Attend a western classical concert on Sunday	YES
Do some office work	YES
Mail checks to CA, Friend 1 and Friend 2	NO

So, I had a success rate of 50%. What could I do? I had one unplanned lunch and some trips to grocery stores. I also had an unplanned DVD movie. BTW, the concert was great. Brahms symphony no.1 is quite amazing. The conductor chose a different tempo and mood, but overall, it came out amazingly well. The piece by bernstein wasn't that impressive. I guess I didn't understand all that much. Beethoven's Leonore overture no.3 was also great, needless to say. overall, it was an exciting afternoon.

Composing

is something I haven't tried much even though some people have suggested in the past. I picked up playing keyboard from my undergrad days. At that time, my goals were to play some of the best tunes of Ilayaraja. I always used to hum them, but wanted to take it a bit further. So, I started playing on my own. I am very glad that I did that 'cause I know so many others who might be much more talented but may not have taken their first step yet. As Julia Cameron says "The same age if you don't" in answering "Do you know what age will be when I can play the piano peacefully" :)

Coming to composing, I am somehow hell bent on believing the same Ilayaraja does - it should just happen and you can't make it happen.

"Isai enbadhu nigazhvadhu, nigazhthuvathu illai" - Isaignani

So going along the same lines, I need to feel the music in my mind before I can start mapping it on to the keyboard. Some others believe that composing can be learnt. I am not sure how effective that will be in the end. You can learn the tools to compose, but not composing itself - is my belief. I could be wrong. So where do I start. I should at least start playing some own tunes for my own hearing. I need not demonstrate it to others. I have to start doing this. I have been trying to do this in the last month, where I compose something for eight bars - they need not be the best tunes, but they are somewhat musical. I try to do a two-voice composition. I am using a lot of buzz words here, but don't be scared yet.

I have a friend who is an ardent music fan. It is a blessing that I ran into him and befriended him. He has a great sense of music and has the relative pitch firmly ingrained in his mind. He is now taking courses at the local colleges to further hone his musical knowledge and composing skills. He calls himself a new age composer. He hasn't played his compositions to me. Yesterday was the first time he played about 8 bars of his fugue composition. It was pretty good. It is amazing how he is able to compose in the 17th century style! Now, this whole thing gives me some hope or on the contrary puts me in a very uncomfortable situation. "Will I be able to do the same stuff". On the negative side, I have not had a formal training in Indian classical music in my childhood - childhood is the key here. Age simply goes against you when you try to make habits out of certain things, like remembering or identifying raagams and so forth. For my friend, identifying raagas and other things in a song is a piece of cake. He thrives doing such things. So, that's a major drawback. But, on the positive front, I can restrict myself to composing just in the major scale, which has spawned several compositions. One more note on the positive side is that I have great appreciation for music, admittedly not as much as my friend does.

So, what am I going to compose? I should try a reasonably long piece. I should try to get it in closed form. It is probably easier to improvise without having a theme. Having a theme is very important. The music should touch the listener's heart. The technicalities in the music should always stay below the grace. Grace is the ultimate thing in the music. Grace and the overall theme. Music is one hell of an art. It is magic how this thing has evolved over the years. It is a blessing.

Things to be done this weekend

This weekend's plans are also ambitious. Let me see if I can accomplish all of it:

• Install DVD writer in the computer, after vacuuming the computer
• Replace the power cord in the vacuum cleaner
• Visit the acupuncturist
• Go to the San Diego Photo Expo on Saturday
• Host guests for Saturday's dinner
• Attend a western classical concert on Sunday
• Do some office work
• Mail checks to CA, Friend 1 and Friend 2
  

Movies

When am I going to direct a movie? Ha ha....it is some kind of a dream in a perfect world. Yeah, in a perfect world, why shouldn't I direct a movie? I'll by all means. Maniratnam's assistant Priya V is debuting with "Kanda Naal Mudhal". What an amazing experience that must have been. I've read a few reviews and they are all raving about the movie. Some of them mentioned that the movie sags a little bit in the climax. I'm extremely curious to find out what she has offered in the movie! I can't wait. I'm not worried or curious about anything in particular about the movie itself...all I care about is the direction, since she seems to have interened under Maniratnam. PC Sreeram is the cameraman. Of course he is the man for camera! His work speaks for itself. Most Mani's movies were cinematographed by PC. He is one creative genius. He plays with light. Light talks to him and tells him how it wants to be captured. He just obeys :)

So this guy Kartik is one of the heroes of this movie. He seems to have gotten married to the Mirchi Compere or somebody recently. He also happens to be a friend of a friend. He seems to be slowly going places in the tamil movie industry. Looks like he also worked under Maniratnam. I am pretty sure there is a long line to work under him, considering that he does only one movie in two years or so. Sometime back, there were rumours that he is going to direct another movie with Rajni. That'll be too much for people to take. May be he backed off from that plan.

Looks like "Sivaji" a movie starring Rajni and directed by Shankar has been launched in a simple and quiet ceremony. Should be amazing to watch, I'm pretty sure. Sivaji also happens to be Rajni's original name :) So the name has been chosen thoughtfully.

Too much seems to be happening in the movie industry. Or may be I am just noticing it now. Seems like a very exciting field to be in. Something happening all the time. They also say that you won't have good friends in the movie industry. May be that is true, considering that there are quite a lot of complaints on the dishonesty and hippocrisy of the movie people. Anyways, who cares about all this. It is all for personal satisfaction anyway.

May be I should start by writing a script. One script won't be enough to convince some producer. I should be ready with multiple scripts :) Chumma indha madri ezhuthavendidhaan. Yaar yaar ithai paarthu sirichundu irukkangalo!

It's December 1st already!

What kind of a vehicle does Time travel? Must be the fastest in the universe, 'cause you simply can't catch time and hold it still. It's been a year already since so many things! Last december we went to the bay area and to Vegas also. We had just returned from a very hectic three week trip to Chennai. I bought a house around that time. It's been a year man! I can't believe it. How did this year go so fast? Seriously? It's been three years since so many other things! It's almost time to make that New Year resolution. I don't usually make resolutions 'cause I don't wait for the New Year to make resolutions. New year doesn't mark much for me except for the excitement. May be that's what it marks for everyone. Anyways, I just wanted to write something. So there. See you later.

Things to do

I remembered quite a bit of things that I need to do as soon as possible:

• Mail check to friend 1 for DVD writer
• Mail check to friend 2 for CDs
• Fix the vacuum cleaner power cord
• Read books
• Renew books borrowed from library
• Mail check to California State
• Contact my piano teacher/practise playing
• Talk to friend 3 regarding formation of band
  

No watch today!

I have the habit of wearing my watch everyday, but recently the band around the strap broke and the strap started clinging to its life. Unable to see this thing happening to my watch, I decided to give it some rest today and didn't wear it. I was hoping that I won't need to wear it because I can look up time on my computer since I sit in front of it all day. That's what I believed, but I have already looked at my wrist several times hoping to find out the time and met with disappointment everytime. It has become such a habit that I have to keep looking at my wrists. I think I do it subconsciously. I don't learn that there is no watch today. What do you call this syndrome?

Passion vs practicality

Would you start a company that you are passionate about or something that would sell well to the public, but you may not have enough interest in? I think you should definitely do something that you are passionate about. When you do that, you won't really worry about the amount of money you make - you'll be satisfied regardless of that. You'll be fully focussed and not distracted and wouldn't care much for a vacation since work is like vacation! Nice thoughts, but very difficult to put it in practice. More importantly, you need to figure out what you are passionate about! You may be 'interested' in various things, but they all won't qualify - movies, taking a hawaiian vacation, etc won't qualify as ideas for a company :)

Busy Busy Busy!

Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy

What else can I tell you? There is too much work to be done I am afraid I won't be able to do anything else for a while. It is biting.

I had a great weekend at the Bay Area, visiting my friends and all that. Lots of good food and great conversations. Nice weekend!

Thanksgiving Weekend

This is probably my 8th thanksgiving weekend in this country. Somehow I have never tried to combine this with an India vacation or something. Most of the thanksgiving weekends, I have done nothing:

Thanksgiving 1998: I remember sitting in the lab developing web pages. I was only two months into this country at that time and sadly, didn't have anybody to go and visit. All my friends had plans, more importantly they all had relatives here. Not me.

Thanksgiving 1999: I didn't do much either. I think I was doing my internship with my prof's company at that time. I remember one of my friends visited us, in the middle of his MBA at Wharton. I had so much work that I didn't get to spend any time with him. It was all ok at that time because I was going to take my first India vacation the following month.

Thanksgiving 2000: Absolutely no idea either. My best guess is that I was working very hard on my M.S. thesis at that time since it was due in December. I remember doing a lot of experiments in the lab, trying to wrap it up. My first nightout was done when I was writing my thesis! I somehow managed without putting a nightout during my undergrad.

Thanksgiving 2001: Yes, my first trip to the east coast. I went to Philly, to visit my friend who was still doing his MBA at Wharton. A few of us gathered and I made my first visit to New York and New Jersey. Nothing like getting together with a bunch of undergrad friends. Things are always different with them. I took the famous "fall tree in princeton" shot near my friend's apartment in Princeton, NJ during this time. I had just bought a really nice camera - canon elan 7e and I was practising shooting with it. In fact, the three of us bought the exact same camera and lens. I was having quite a bit of fun with the camera. It cost about $900 at that time. I took pretty pictures of NY in the night. We visited empire state, liberty island, grand central station, etc. roamed around the island quite a bit. It was just a couple of months we all witnessed the destruction of the two World Trade Center buildings. So I never got to see those :-(

Thanksgiving 2002: I think I was still lazing around in LA. I went to Joshua Tree National Park, around 100 miles east of LA with a couple of other friends. It was ok, nothing spectacular. They were feeling pretty cold, so we left around 4pm or so. I guess that park should be visited during spring so you may get a chance to see a lot of desert flowers. Nothing much happened apart from this trip.

Thanksgiving 2003: I was married by this time and I didn't have any clue about it during the previous thanksgiving. This thanksgiving was the first one with my wife. We had also just moved to San Diego. I had my first experience of shopping during black friday! Since I didn't know about the general craziness around this time, I casually ventured into circuit city at 8 am thinking that I was early. I could walk out only with a 48 pack AA battery pack! Some batteries are still left BTW. I remember buying it for only $5. We were otherwise getting settled in the new apartment.

Thanksgiving 2004: Nothing again. We didn't do much. We did some early shopping this time and bought a bunch of things. We got screwed in one rebate. Otherwise, we just lazed around at home, enjoying the four days. Sometimes, just relaxing at home could be a great feeling!

Thanksgiving 2005: We are driving to the Bay area to meet so many friends. The plan is to start driving tomorrow morning at 4 am - don't know how this is going to work out. We shall see. While coming back, the traffic is going to be pretty bad. Can't help that. There are really a lot of people to meet in the Bay Area....thanksgiving is probably the ideal weekend to do that. Most of them will be there.

Edit: Nov 28th 2005 - the day after the thanksgiving weekend:

Traffic on the way to Bay Area was fine - it took me exactly 7 hours to reach my friend's place in Sunnyvale. Had a great time there with my wife. We met quite a few friends there, had tons of good food. While coming back, the traffic onto 152 E was pretty bad, so in an instant, I decided to take the 101S itself. It took me 8 hours and 15 minutes to reach San Diego, for an additional 55 miles on 101. It wasn't that bad, though I lost about 45 minutes in traffic on 101, just 10 miles south of the 152 junction.

Thanksgiving 2006: God knows!

Karma and Prayers

Yesterday I volunteered to type out an entire booklet on "Prayers" written by Swami Dayananda Saraswati. My wife wanted me to photocopy it, but I thought I might as well type it out fully so that I may get a chance to understand what it is about. I have been trying to understand life from a different perspective other than religion, prayers and karma and have come to some conclusions so far. After reading the prayer book I found that my understandings were not fundamentally any different from what the book conveyed.

The booklet talked about Karma and how it affects our everyday lives. But the book also goes beyond this birth and talks about previous births and the karma we might have done in those births. What it doesn't explain is why we sometimes end up doing the wrong things and what decided our fate in the first birth. Karma is another way of saying that we are responsible for our own actions. The western theory on this speaks about it in a rather detached way - the fundamental assumption is that they talk only about this birth and they don't extrapolate bad times and good times to the papa or punya done in previous births.

As far as the western theory goes, I fully agree with it and would like to embrace it. I am responsible for my own actions. The one thing that puzzles me is the fact that we don't have a choice over our parents. What then decides that some person be born in Africa with AIDS and some person born in a Royal family with so many resources around. Immediately after they are born in their respective places, they are subjected to different environment, which includes thier parents, siblings, immediate family, the weather/climate, culture and what not. None of these are obviously under our control, but then go a very long way in shaping us up as we grow. This is explained by the Karma theory - it says that to be born in a Royal family or the like in this birth, you need to have done some punya in the past birth. It seems like a model to explain things. It goes one step further and says that you can neutralize the papas you've done in your previous birth and this birth by praying. It made a very important point which I have realized otherwise as well - it said that people pray only for themselves. They may pray for you, but at a more subconscious level, they pray that they be happy as a result of you being happy. "Selfishness" is a very crude way of explaining this.

Luck is something that I have not been able to explain with my existing knowledge. Some people end up making lots of riches while some people suffer, even if they start out from the same starting point. One can argue that the starting point is not quite the same for two individuals because you can ultimately find a point where they were quite different - it may come to their births - they would have had different parents, different environment where they grew up and different values. That's where my understanding is weak. One may even argue that getting the riches is not a goal to have and that it may be devil's temptation. This can be a good road trip conversation. Never ending is our quest for understanding why we are here in the first place.

The artist in me

In my childhood, my natural talent was to draw and paint. I used to draw all the time, wherever I was. I made a lot of sketches, a significant number of them being sketches of Gods. Any parent would have felt the need to encourage this kind of a kid, considering how crazy I was about art. Hence my parents admitted me in Santhanu's Art Institute in Chennai. I was to learn all the lessons by correspondence. It was a 24 month course or so, in basics of sketching, cartooning and painting. I took it up with great interest. I did the course with great zeal and dedication. Each month the lessons would arrive by mail - I'd open it up, practice all the lessons a couple of times, follow the instructions and draw them myself. I'd then send my drawings to the institute, again by mail. A few days/weeks later, the teacher would send me the new set of lessons along with the old ones corrected. My teacher was of course a great artist himself - being the famous Santhanu's son and all that. He was very encouraging and often appreciated my interest. I remember the monthly fee for this course was only Rs. 19! Imagine that - a precious art form being taught only for about half a dollar a month. Quite amazing, isn't?

I participated in some drawing and cartooning contests and won some prizes, but was not very proactive about it. In the summer holidays, I would take up a theme and draw enough to fill a big chart paper (a few feet by a few feet size). I would paint my sketches very diligently and produced many nice paintings. I used to flaunt them to all the guests that come home and to my friends in school :) I kicked ass in the diagrams that needed to be drawn for biology classes. I remember my friends never used to believe that I only drew those accurate pictures of a cell with all its details (nucleus, plasma and what not). Not to forget the map of India - this I have done many times.

My favourite painting was that of a landscape. There are these mountains behind this river. The river had the reflections of the pine trees on the opposite bank, a boat. There were telephone wires, with love birds sitting on them. There were of course other birds flying. This came out pretty well. Then I made a painting of the late chief minister of TN, M.G.R. So many more. I did become somewhat complacent during the middle of the course and was not faring well, but nothing to worry. I caught up. I passed the course. In the end, my father and I went to the art institute in person, for the first time. After all, I had to see who had been grading my sketches :) He was a warm and soft guy and was very polite. He encouraged me to take up the next level (I think), but then I somehow didn't end up doing it. Don't clearly know why.

All this was going fine. I was probably studying 6th or 7th grade at that time and my drawing teacher wanted me to give all of my paintings to her so that she may display it in some exhibition. Needless to say, I was excited and gave her all my precious paintings. When she was supposed to return them back, she didn't. The reason she gave was "all your paintings were spoilt in the rain, I think".

I got furious and trying to control my temper and rage. How could she be so irresponsible. She was supposed to be a drawing teacher for God's sake. I can never forget when she told me "you're young - you can create more paintings". WTF does that supposed to mean? I couldn't take this crap at all. Imagine how much time I had spent drawing those paintings. My parents couldn't take it either. These are some of the most unpleasant experiences in my life. My father came to the school and talked to the principal and complained about their irresponsibility. This war dragged on for a few days - we were demanding the return of whatever paintings that were left over, damaged or undamaged. The principal (she was a lady) got all so offended by my father's remarks but somehow realized that she was helpless. I think she must have put some pressure on the drawing teacher. She summoned me later and yelled at me saying "Bring your father....tell him that I have some of your paintings" as though we were the culprits. I hated her.
She gave back some paintings/sketches, but by then I was clearly a new person. I had changed. I had lost interest in drawing. From then till today, I'd produce only a few sketches - I had somehow given up.

Time of course healed this experience and I got to concentrate well on studies. I'd just display my talent in a very subdued manner by volunteering to do calligraphy, etc. At some point though, I took a sudden interest in just sketching and cartooning. I'd draw all the ads for 7UP and a few more. I am not sure where they are now. After coming to the U.S., this thing wasn't even in my mind. I was very inspired to pick it up again after my roommate started sketching and painting left and right. I didn't follow it up with full vigor though I did end up sketching some decent stuff. Escher's "reptiles" is one among those :)

Perfectionism

Yesterday I had a major realization. I wouldn't quite call it an epiphany because it was not an intuitive realization. Somebody had to articulate so well something about me that's been holding me back all these years. Worse yet, I have been actually proud and arrogant of having this quality in me and in a few instances, may have even recommended or advised others to embrace this. That quality or attribute if you will, is Perfectionism. Right after this realization, so many things fell in place - I have not been prolific, much to my disappointment and I have not really progressed much in my musical and photography pursuits. I don't buy some cool things because I can't afford the 'best' one. You know, things like that.

I guess at some point in my life, when I was still emotionally dependent, I may have been perfect in something and achieved good results. I also guess that thing stuck on me since then and I somehow refused to think otherwise. I have always been a perfectionist, with or without my knowledge. When I came to my full senses several years back, I realized that I was and still continued to be. I never questioned it. I didn't feel the need to, since somehow I felt it was helping me. This blog will mostly attack being a perfectionist, but I'll still put down my thoughts to justify the benefits of being one.

"There is always room for improvement" is what a perfectionist thinks and doesn't stop until he/she achieves it. This is actually not humility but actually a manifestation of egotism. It is very true. The world is an imperfect place. If it were ideal and perfect, we'd all be very productive and produce thousands of movies every year and produce many million paintings, music albums and what not. Think of the body - the human body or any other animal's body is a great design - it is just a combination of atoms and molecules in a unique way that gives the body a soul and the functionality. The body is able to do so many things - it has energy of its own, it can walk, run, jump, sing, think, speak, dance and what not. But it is all a collection of atoms that is doing these. So, could you call it a "perfect" design? I am afraid not. The body has its imperfections - we fall sick, we age, we are vulnerable to so many diseases; we have only five fingers in each limb though we might have found a use for the sixth one had it existed. The point is, the design of the body is near perfect in an imperfect world. It is designed so that we may appreciate the beauty of actually designing something rather than waiting till we get the perfect idea or get the job done perfectly. We were not designed not to fall sick at all, but designed so that our body at least has the ability to fight the foreign germs. The design of the body was 'stopped' at an interesting point and here we are, walking around with that body, doing so many productive things.

Consider the plight of a movie director, say Mani Ratnam. I am pretty sure he will be able to make a movie a month, for the number of ideas that he has. But then, he makes only one every two years. Demanding such a tight schedule for himself would imply that he is a perfectionist. He is actually not. He has learnt to deal with the logistics of making a movie, that may have at first seemed to limit his creativity, but he has realized that that's what it takes to actually come out with a movie. He was meant to be a creative animal and he has come up with nice ways of exhibiting his creativity, though it may mean that he is not very prolific. Am I being clear? Trying to be a perfectionist will limit your productivity. You will never finish that movie if you intend it to be perfect - you might rather live with creating ten relatively imperfect movies, which would at least open a channel to the world to see what you are all about. The best examples corresponding to this context are those low budget movies that became a big hit - movies like Autograph - the director didn't have the greatest technicians at his disposal, he didn't have the greatest music for the movie, yet he managed to give a great script/movie that overshadowed all the other imperfections in it. In the end, the director will be remembered for the movie and not for falling short on shooting in exotic locations.

Given a chance, a painter will never lift his brush off from the canvas - he'd like to keep painting and improving it, but then he wouldn't be able to produce many paintings this way. In fact, some imperfection may be even necessary to tell you that it is a painting and not a photograph. If you look at some of the greatest paintings, they may look extremely realistic with regards to their color composition and the subjects, but then there are always things in them that make them a painting and not a photograph.

I've heard a lot of people say that Ilayaraja is a perfectionist. I truly believed them and may be it's because of this that I too held on to being a perfectionist. Digression start: did you notice the world perfectionist beneath itself in the last two sentences - I have been noticing this happening quite a bit recently. Digression end. Actually, thinking about it, if Ilayaraja had been a perfectionist, he couldn't have been so prolific. He has composed music for over 850 movies. How could that be possible if he had not been compromising on certain things? Actually, what he is, is a perfectionist on a lower level, namely, he is a stickler for bringing out the recording as close to what he had imagined, but then he has not been a perfectionist in constantly changing the tune to make it better. He just let himself create and as a result, we have thousands of songs. The recording quality is not always great, but he kept moving on, making way for the new songs. In other words, if he had a really professional orchestra at his disposal that could read his mind reasonably well, he would have far less complaints. Now, that was a major realization.

It may be that perfectionists allow too much of their mind to interfere with the work of their heart. That's my line, dont' steal it :)

The whole analysis applies to playing an instrument, dancing and everything on this planet. Cellphone is a great work of engineering, but it has its imperfections. It is like chiseling out a statue from an imperfectly shaped stone - the stone just looks better later. In other words, you have liberated the statue from the stone. The statue is still made of the same stone, but then looks much nicer now.

Now, I begin to look around and analyze others' lives with the same perspective. Some people are naturally prolific - they don't make a conscious effort to be like that. They are inherently not perfectionists. That's why they go about giving shows all over the country, composing music for hundreds of movies, writing so many articles for the newspaper, enjoying all the latest electronic gadgets, etc. You get the idea. Not being a perfectionist has something to do with 'living the moment'. There is definitely a knot somewhere between the two.

Now, not being a perfectionist may suggest that you don't set yourself high bars. How are we to defend this argument? This requires more careful analysis. Being a perfectionist is bad, in the sense that you may be very critical of yourself and your work. If you consciously realize not to do this, it is possible to still hold high ideals and a high bar for your work. It is like allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes and gradually build up your efficiency of creating great stuff consistently. To illustrate this with an example - let's again take Maniratnam. What would he do, considering that there is not much out there to satisfy his perfectionist attitude? If there is little-than-expected resource in cinematography, he could write a stronger script that goes well with it; if there is no great music source available, he could look at pushing songs to the background or playing them only for a short while; if the logistics take a long time, he could develop means of becoming more efficient. Nothing here is intended personal or to offend anyone, so read this for what it is worth. This paragraph may need some more elaboration. I seriously wonder what Mani would do if he doesn't have a good music source or a good cameraman. As he has demonstrated many times, he will just get the best out of whatever he has. He somehow has that skill. He must be a great manager that identifies talent very well. There has to be lot to learn from him.

Synchronicity

Nov 19th: The phone rang...my wife told me to call this guy Chandru....we picked up and it was Chandru! Only this morning I was describing this phenomenon to my other friend at UCLA. Amazing, isn't?

Parents knowing stuff

There is some discussion about whether your parents know enough to advise you on critical things even when they may not possess the knowledge to do so. Somebody has written a really long blog on this topic and in general the person has attacked all the people that listen to their parents before making critical decisions in their lives. I don't think it is a bad idea to ask the parents what they think before you make a critical move in your career or personal life, however little they know about both. My argument is that parents have seen you grow and would have identified where all you excelled at as a kid and may know what your heart truly wants, though we all spend so much time trying to kill our heart and its passions for want of more money or fame or security.

That's where, I think parents may be able offer a unique insight. They may be able to tell you that you are an artist at heart when you are confusing yourself on whether you should choose Management Consulting or Investment Banking. It may come as an epiphany, if carefully considered and objectively evaluated. Of course not all parents are sane. So my argument assumes that parents are sane and would have always wanted a better life to you than what they've had. You know every parent would want this - their kids should go to a better school and lead better lives. Has this really happened though? I mean when we have the time in the world to write such blogs and think so much about our careers and what not, aren't we forgetting several things: our parents have given us immunization against diseases like chicken pox, polio and what not, which is what makes us the healthy individuals that we are. Health is wealth, first things first. We can't do much without being healthy. All the dreams of starting a company or growing up to be manager blah blah won't happen if you are bedridden all the time or if you are crippled. Of course, you can do anything with determination, but let's not get into that.

I claim that independence is not so much in being able to make decisions but more in holding yourself accountable for the decisions you've made. In other words, a person who can decide for himself is not so much of a deal compared to a person who stands by his decision and is willing to face any consequence that may arise 'cause of his decision. At the very least, he should be willing to learn from the experience if it turned out to be a bad decision. So, all people that can decide for themselves - you aren't doing that big of a job. Sorry.

Parents somewhat reflect what we will be when we get to their age. After all, they have gone through so many things. They may not have been as educated as we are, but they had the insight to give us decent education and show us the door. Showing the door! How many people can actually do that? Without showing the door, how can one walk through it? So, they have also worked and they have had aspirations, some succeeded and some failed. They also would have bought houses, lived with their in laws, had kids and what not. They have done a tremendous job. So, shouldn't there be something in what they have to say. I mean we could take them and objectively evaluate their opinions and then chooose to reject them or to incorporate them into our decisions. In the end, a man or a woman decides for himself, even though they may claim that they do certain things for their parents or family. People all make decisions solely for themselves.

Listen to this: we hear stories about how a man tortured his wife for 8 years before she suddenly decided to leave him.....I would actually blame the man just for the first month - the remaining 7 years and 11 months - the wife is to be blamed - for taking so much crap from him. She could have done something about it. I am sure she had choices - she could have run away from him long back, or if she thought jail would have been a better place, she could have killed him. If she didn't have the courage, it somehow becomes her fault. You get cheated once, the cheater is the fool....you get cheated more than once, then you're the fool. I know it is easy to say these things, but that is what can explain the problems in your life. You make a decision and make yourself accountable for the consequences. The decisions may be bad, but then, you'll have to be open about accepting it after objective evaluation and giving it a fair shot. Nothing much will result in being shortsighted and jumping into conclusions because your life didn't pan the way you wanted it to. Analysis and accountability are the key.

Ultimately, Buddhism will tell you that desire is the root cause for all suffering. There is no contest there. Fully agree. Some others may tell you that the earth is 4.5 billion years old and humans have been here for a very very short time compared to the life of earth itself - so does anybody really care if you score a goal in Sundays' game?