Thursday, December 08, 2005

I'm disturbed

I'm in a disturbed state of mind. Looks like there are a lot of obstacles in life. You may yourself be responsible for creating those obstacles, I don't want to get into that. But still, there are certain things which continue to be very uncomfortable. When you seek freshness in your life, when you want to start all over, with new people, new surroundings, when you want to experiment with your life in a new kind of setting, how'd you like to have the same old stuff happening around you? I mean, how can you break away from that and concentrate on the new stuff that's happening? How can you get the space that you need around yourself? How could you shield yourself from this old crap that seems to never leave you alone?

I guess I should not let myself get affected 'cause of this. I can apparently choose not to get affected. I have to believe that it is solely in my hands and move forward like that. I shouldn't speak too much. I should concentrate on what I have been concentrating on, completely ignoring the old stuff. I have volunteered to help in organizing an Indian show. There is a fair chance that I will participate in that show. There are a couple of other shows that are tentatively planned. I have to somehow move forward, putting all the bad experiences that happened in past shows. How do I accomplish this? I consider myself a very frank person. I can't truly hide my emotions and put up a different face. I used to hold all the emotions and feelings within myself. Somehow, several years back, I became kind of good at saying 'no'. I adopted this don't care attitude towards several things 'cause I needed to be strong and safeguard myself against all these devilish things that happen around you all the time. Now, I feel that this openness sometimes gets in the way of a good relationship. But I really have to convey what I feel - in other words, I have to COMMUNICATE effectively. The first step towards that is to express what I feel and what I want so that I don't have to feel sorry for myself later on, for missing any nice opportunity. "At least I could have asked, or spoken" - this is precisely the thought I want to avoid. That is another byproduct of being pro active. But then, why do you have to constantly put up with all the obstacles? Is it then a good thing to give up? I have promised myself to work hard towards my goals. So I think that this is what working hard is all about - dealing with all the crap and finally emerging out of it. In an ideal world, of course a creative person could produce tons and tons of work. It is living in this imperfect world that is a challenge, not living itself.

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