Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Boring stuff

I don't know if it is just me or everyone else. I think life is generally boring these days. I feel the need to be more creative. I also know that it is somehow possible to be creative in my field. But my interests don't seem to lie there. Or should I take it up as a challenge and go on? There are too many people in the world doing the same thing. I feel the need to be unique, though I am not, in many ways. Most people that I talk to, want to do something great, possibly much sooner than it is practical. I am not different there. Sometimes I think it is easier to just give up and move on in life rather than trying to force things. I also wonder sometimes whether I am good enough for what I aspire to be. That is a doubt that probably many will have. How do you work under such circumstances. I need to reflect on myself more everyday. I have actually progressed at a much faster rate by reading several self improvement books and taking a lot of free courses and self evaluation, personality tests, etc. When people give me suggestions, they don't tell me anything that I don't know.

Also, I feel like I have become a recluse of some sort, having lost some tolerance in dealing with people who can't offer me more insight than I already have. This may sound arrogant, but that is not my intention. I have long struggled with a sense of guilt that I wrap around most of my actions but recently, I have realized that I shouldn't be feeling guilty for what I am. After all, I have not really meant any harm to anybody. I shout and yell occasionally. I feel like I am in a rut. I did a whole lot of research on business schools, other careers, etc. Time is passing by too. I feel like I want to be in many places at the same time. Why does my mind wander like this, I don't know. There is some deep unfulfilled desire, I am sure. It has probably something to do with not contributing enough to the arts. I am interested in music. I have progressed quite a bit since I started playing keyboard. But it is not enough for me somehow. I want to be at a much greater level, but I am not there yet and that kind of demotivates me and puts me on a downward spiral of depression.

I wish to say that I am not usually like this nor do I want to be. I want to be able to create funny sit-coms and so forth. I should lighten up ;)